Living Life By The Ocean

When I hear the word "second," I tend to think of something that isn't as good as what is first, not meeting expectations of the best, a sort of failure.  But "second" can also represent a second child (which is a wonderful thing!), taking a second look can save yourself from making a wrong decision, a second chance at a relationship when things have deteriorated or of building a new life when divorce or death strikes. It is easy to become bitter and angry that life has turned out this way.  Anyone who has been through a tragic event can understand the rage and deep sadness that seems to envelope your heart.  Some days I feel paralyzed to even begin to know how to create this second chance I am facing.  I've spent the last few weeks in agony wondering why Sam?  why us?  How could this have happened?  Was I proactive enough with treatments, should we have gone to Europe for treatment, and did I do enough.  Why did he die?  I was in such grief during our i

Recently a friend gave me a CD to play in my car...she gave it to me right around the time Sam died but just recently I began to play one song on it that touched me in a way that I wasn't expecting.  One song in particular talked about Yahweh.  I've heard God called Yahweh before, but after listening to the song several times, I really wanted to know more about why this word Yahweh is being used. Yahweh is actually Hebrew for LORD...meaning "I am."  Sam and I have always told our kids that God is constant,  He never had a beginning and He will never end.  He is the ultimate standard of goodness and fairness in our lives and He is the standard of everything that is beautiful and right. This weekend my daughter and I met in Vancouver and spent time together.  We went to a craft show, ate dinner, shopped....but more importantly, we walked with arms linked....together.  We ate breakfast this morning and talked about her dad, my Sam, how he and I met in Illinois and ho

Some of my most pivotal aha moments have been while waiting in a lineup at Starbucks.  Since this is my first post since Sam's celebration of life service, let me explain. The last 6 weeks have actually been brutal. When I first lost Sam, I actually felt that with time, I could face this uncertain future alone. Lots of friends surrounded me and I had tons of food in my freezer.  I barely thought about the nuts and bolts of life...Grocery shopping, cleaning and scheduling my day.  As time passed, family left, food was consumed and I found myself back in reality -- except Sam was still gone. I needed to get back to work, I needed to buy a snow shovel for the upcoming winter,  my Telus Optik tv blew up and I had to fix it. All the nuts and bolts jobs Sam did were now mine. I took a week to go to Illinois to visit my 90 year old father and once again, the reality of his dementia and deteriorating body took a toll on me. He has limited time left in life and here I am coming home to Ca