Greater Things Are Yet to Come....
Some of my most pivotal aha moments have been while waiting in a lineup at Starbucks. Since this is my first post since Sam's celebration of life service, let me explain.
The last 6 weeks have actually been brutal. When I first lost Sam, I actually felt that with time, I could face this uncertain future alone. Lots of friends surrounded me and I had tons of food in my freezer. I barely thought about the nuts and bolts of life...Grocery shopping, cleaning and scheduling my day. As time passed, family left, food was consumed and I found myself back in reality -- except Sam was still gone. I needed to get back to work, I needed to buy a snow shovel for the upcoming winter, my Telus Optik tv blew up and I had to fix it. All the nuts and bolts jobs Sam did were now mine. I took a week to go to Illinois to visit my 90 year old father and once again, the reality of his dementia and deteriorating body took a toll on me. He has limited time left in life and here I am coming home to Canada when I should stay and be with him. Reconciling all the losses I was feeling seemed to overwhelm me this week and with a heavy work schedule, I had my meltdown, complete with tears and threats to just walk away from life.
I think I would be lying if I didn't admit I am angry and frustrated with what's happened to me. Sam brought me to Canada. I had a thriving career in Illinois that I set aside to come. I'm not regretting that, but now Sam left me and I have to go to work each day at the building where we planted our businesses and met each day for lunch. I painted each room of that office and invested my life in growing the businesses. To see them collapse is beyond heartbreaking. To go to work there everyday is almost unbearable. There are days I drive in that I almost drive on by and keep on driving. I am angry that God actually took Sam... my faith sustained me during his illness but deep down I hoped God would work a miracle. When Sam died, I wondered how I could ever trust God with my future. The fact that Sam didn't speak much during his illness caused me to wonder if he even loved me. I deconstructed every conversation and day of his illness and it literally drove me into a state of deep sorrow. To admit I thought about taking my life is being real and truthful. I felt that there is no future for me...Sam was my identity, we functioned as a couple. To form a new identity on my own is far too heavy to bear. It's surreal walking around watching everyone go about life and mine has crumbled.
And on a day of snow and sleet and darkness, I was at a Starbucks and a dear friend came --she just showed up randomly. For some crazy reason I felt vulnerable enough to pour out these feelings of despair. No judgment...just reassurance and encouragement. It's ok to have a season of being in the desert with God. He understands. He cries alongside me for the loss of my dear Sam.
Today I felt ready to reach out to God to calm my fears about the future...to begin to pave the way for me to move forward, to bring clarity on where I am to live and to work and to improve relationships with coworkers and friends and family. Healing is not linear. Each day brings grief and joy, too. Tragedy has meaning: how can we know what pain feels like unless we experience it firsthand; how can we stand on the mountain if we've never been in the valley; how can we comfort others if we have never experienced comfort. Pain has purpose.
Today I had lunch with two friends, both lawyers and highly regarded. Their advice to me: don't be afraid to make a decision...or not. If you make a mistake, it can be fixed. Trust yourself, be gentle with yourself and know that greater things are ahead. God promises that. He is the author of my story. I am not here by accident. My life has a purpose to go on. I'm not afraid. I willl trust in Him. Life probably won't continue forward without a few backward steps, but tomorrow is always a new day and a new opportunity to start again.
One of my favourite songs written by the band Bluetree but made famous by Chris Tomlin is God of This City. It was written to bring attention to human trafficking.
In the midst of all that darkness and craziness...when it's so impossible to see God...He's still God. He's still God of that city. He still longs after every single one of those people, and He still wants relationship with every single one of those kids, every one of those women and every one of those pimps. That's our God. That's the God who is massive, mighty, and amazing."
You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
For Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city...
Healing shall be done, not always in the body but tonight I ask for healing of the heart which is sometimes more powerful. ❤️
The last 6 weeks have actually been brutal. When I first lost Sam, I actually felt that with time, I could face this uncertain future alone. Lots of friends surrounded me and I had tons of food in my freezer. I barely thought about the nuts and bolts of life...Grocery shopping, cleaning and scheduling my day. As time passed, family left, food was consumed and I found myself back in reality -- except Sam was still gone. I needed to get back to work, I needed to buy a snow shovel for the upcoming winter, my Telus Optik tv blew up and I had to fix it. All the nuts and bolts jobs Sam did were now mine. I took a week to go to Illinois to visit my 90 year old father and once again, the reality of his dementia and deteriorating body took a toll on me. He has limited time left in life and here I am coming home to Canada when I should stay and be with him. Reconciling all the losses I was feeling seemed to overwhelm me this week and with a heavy work schedule, I had my meltdown, complete with tears and threats to just walk away from life.
I think I would be lying if I didn't admit I am angry and frustrated with what's happened to me. Sam brought me to Canada. I had a thriving career in Illinois that I set aside to come. I'm not regretting that, but now Sam left me and I have to go to work each day at the building where we planted our businesses and met each day for lunch. I painted each room of that office and invested my life in growing the businesses. To see them collapse is beyond heartbreaking. To go to work there everyday is almost unbearable. There are days I drive in that I almost drive on by and keep on driving. I am angry that God actually took Sam... my faith sustained me during his illness but deep down I hoped God would work a miracle. When Sam died, I wondered how I could ever trust God with my future. The fact that Sam didn't speak much during his illness caused me to wonder if he even loved me. I deconstructed every conversation and day of his illness and it literally drove me into a state of deep sorrow. To admit I thought about taking my life is being real and truthful. I felt that there is no future for me...Sam was my identity, we functioned as a couple. To form a new identity on my own is far too heavy to bear. It's surreal walking around watching everyone go about life and mine has crumbled.
And on a day of snow and sleet and darkness, I was at a Starbucks and a dear friend came --she just showed up randomly. For some crazy reason I felt vulnerable enough to pour out these feelings of despair. No judgment...just reassurance and encouragement. It's ok to have a season of being in the desert with God. He understands. He cries alongside me for the loss of my dear Sam.
Today I felt ready to reach out to God to calm my fears about the future...to begin to pave the way for me to move forward, to bring clarity on where I am to live and to work and to improve relationships with coworkers and friends and family. Healing is not linear. Each day brings grief and joy, too. Tragedy has meaning: how can we know what pain feels like unless we experience it firsthand; how can we stand on the mountain if we've never been in the valley; how can we comfort others if we have never experienced comfort. Pain has purpose.
Today I had lunch with two friends, both lawyers and highly regarded. Their advice to me: don't be afraid to make a decision...or not. If you make a mistake, it can be fixed. Trust yourself, be gentle with yourself and know that greater things are ahead. God promises that. He is the author of my story. I am not here by accident. My life has a purpose to go on. I'm not afraid. I willl trust in Him. Life probably won't continue forward without a few backward steps, but tomorrow is always a new day and a new opportunity to start again.
One of my favourite songs written by the band Bluetree but made famous by Chris Tomlin is God of This City. It was written to bring attention to human trafficking.
In the midst of all that darkness and craziness...when it's so impossible to see God...He's still God. He's still God of that city. He still longs after every single one of those people, and He still wants relationship with every single one of those kids, every one of those women and every one of those pimps. That's our God. That's the God who is massive, mighty, and amazing."
You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
You're the light in this darkness
You're the hope to the hopeless
You're the peace to the restless
You are
There is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
For Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city
Greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this city...
Healing shall be done, not always in the body but tonight I ask for healing of the heart which is sometimes more powerful. ❤️
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