Beginning Our Fight With Faith, Courage and Love

When circumstances toss you something you don't expect, you either sink or swim. Our diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer hit us out of left field on December 15, 2016. The "ocean" of a terminal illness can toss you and pull you under or you can fight to the surface and breathe. To some extent, and on some days it is a choice. Other days it is a fight -- the pain pulls you under, but your mind fights to keep normalcy in life. Complaining becomes boring and uncomfortable to those around you and often you feel no one understands. People feel awkward around you and you become hermit-like going from home to work. Even doing grocery shopping causes angst. The ocean calms eventually and the fog somewhat lifts but there is a always a sense of worry around you.  

What does a serious illness teach a person? The list must be endless: patience, empathy, compassion...Those are just a few of how my rough edges are being softened and circumstances are challenging me to rise up and meet adversity with courage and confidence.  I wish it were me...not my dear husband. I wish I could take the illness and relieve him of facing this horrid diagnosis. I wish I could even take it for a few days to give him rest and allow him to enjoy life.  No matter how you slice it, life is terminal.  We all live and we die. Most of us don't know how or when but when a doctor tells you to go home and get your affairs in order, you definitely know what is taking you down.  "When" is still a mystery so you seek to live each day with hope and courage.  You take nothing for granted. Every sunrise is another day to find purpose. We strive to live in holy joy--my term for trusting God with the details.

My hospice companion suggested I write in a journal to help cope with the days...but do I want a paper journal lying around to remind me of this time of life?  Writing on Facebook brought messages of criticism and judgment.  This blog is my way of coping...and sharing the love I feel for my husband who means more than life to me. I won't use the cliche that I want to write to help someone else if they are in the midst of what I am because I'm not that pretentious. I am flawed, weak, filled with angst, sorrow and fright some days. I couldn't possibly tell someone else how to walk this road. Our paths are all unique. Most days I walk around with this confident, in control look on my face and inside I'm scared to death. but I am hanging onto God's promise that He will never leave me or forsake me.  The last paragraph of my blog entries will always be my signature sign off : gratitude and my evening prayer.

I am grateful for family and friends who offer so much comfort and love in these difficult days. My prayer tonight is that God will continually fill me with holy joy so that every day of life is meaningful.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are miine