Second Glances


Coming up on the one-year anniversary of Sam's death on September 13, I began re-reading my blog to somehow grasp this monumental event that changed everything in my life and to glance back and try to see how far I've come.  Just about a year ago, we discontinued treatment with no idea of what was to come.  Sam and I talked the day treatment was halted and I asked him how he felt about stopping chemo.  He said he wasn't surprised, that he knew the chemo hadn't worked.  That was all we said about it.  It was this elephant in the room constantly.....too emotional and delicate to talk about...but always between us. 

So...how to take the past year and put words to paper on how I feel and what I've learned....precisely the purpose of this post.  With my house sold and my work resignation in, I've heard recently:  Bless you as you move forward in this new season of life or Good luck as you move away and go forward.  The word "forward" is spoken as if it is wrong to glance backward.  I would be less than truthful if I didn't think constantly about what the future might hold for me.  I still mourn the loss of Sam, the loss of our deep friendship, the loss of our social life, the loss of someone to joke and to laugh with.  I miss just about everything that comes with sharing your life with someone.  I actually find comfort in glancing back at our life moving from Chicago, starting our businesses, making lots of mistakes together, raising our children and seeing them become amazing adults raising their own children.  Those are memories I can't share with anyone else.  Only Sam would share my pride in seeing our daughters become such wonderful human beings, caring and loving parents and our son living out who God is calling him to be.  Only Sam would understand the love and care we poured into our kids to help them become who they were created to be.  Glancing back is comforting and soothing to my heart.

Entering my last week of work after 15 years working for not only a great company, but for two of our closest friends who provided an amazing space for Sam and I to build our health clinic and Notary business is bittersweet.  It is surreal that I am leaving and "moving forward" -- whatever that means.  I am resigned to moving forward, and part of that decision involves radical change.  This decision to quit work and move isn't a sudden knee-jerk one; there have been countless hours of thought, consideration, prayer and waiting for things to come together at the right time. 

This past year has taught me so much.  My grief allowed me to become vulnerable to my friends, to speak truthfully that although my faith sustained me during almost unbearable days, life has been difficult and still some days are filled with tears.  I acknowledge that life is fragile -- just when you are in this sweet spot, things can collapse.  I've been able to reflect on how much more we can do to make each day count:  Show love and affection to your family and friends -- don't be afraid to say I'm sorry or I love you or just give random encouragement.  Forgive....generously and always!  Give your spouse priority and let the dishes wait.  Simple but important lessons for me.  I also learned that second glances backward is worthwhile.  Glance back to see how far you've come.  Take time to think about each rock you tripped over, the mistakes you made during the illness, the cloud of  cancer-infused dust that enveloped you and stole hope from you.  Acknowledge that you have come through desperate times.  Then....look confidently forward with eyes wide open to see where you are now.  Speak words of kindness to yourself and be gentle and lower your expectations on days that are difficult.  Be aware of suffering around you -- truly look at people -- don't just glance -- drink in with all of your senses the needs of those around you, your spouse, your kids, your parents, your friends and even strangers.  A glance takes a short amount of time, but a look ahead takes time to truly see. 

Tonight I am walking forward into my new season of life but glancing backward....often.  Thank you to all my wonderful children and friends who walked this road with me this past year.  I pray that this past year will lead me to see the future in a way that I can love and serve others with new insight.  The love we all had for Sam spurs us on to look forward.  I know he would be pleased. 

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

---Danny Gokey




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