Forming New Hopes and Dreams

Coming up on nine months since I lost Sam, it feels like just yesterday...and yet it feels like a lifetime since our hands intertwined and I walked down into his office and leaned over for a kiss while he was sitting at his desk.  Going to the same building each day to work is very difficult.  I still can't bear to sit on the couch at home where he sat most of last year and although I've  adamantly insisted I was getting a new couch, I can't quite bear to let it go.  When I'm ready, that will be the right time.

There are two directions in life: backward and forward. Looking back, I am conflicted about the traumatic experience of what happened versus seeing where I am today.  Fast forward to today:  Through what I believe was divine intervention, our family was protected. So many friends and family rallied to help with food and encouragement. Each need was met precisely when it needed to be.  I look back in amazement but mostly with gratitude. 

Recently I've thought a lot about about serving others with endurance, to never give up, to offer everyone grace, not judgment and to live in unity, forgiving one another.  We are the beneficiaries of God's goodness.  The word beneficiary rolled around in my mind all afternoon. Probably because losing my dear Sam and my father recently, the word beneficiary reminded me that a beneficiary is someone that receives benefits from a benefactor.  What possible benefits could I receive from losing my dearest husband...and I began to think about what this past year has taught me.

This morning I reached over to grab Sam's hand while I was waking up, except he wasn't there.  You'd think by now I would have known that, but the brain plays tricks with the heart -- and yet, I am surviving.  I'm doing the hard things.  I'm waking up each day, doing my best at work and recently listed my house for sale.

Each day I worry that my passion for life is gone....never to return.  I have no hopes or dreams, life is black and white...Will I ever see it in colour again?  These are questions that weigh heavily.  What does life hold for me?  My plan is to move to the Okanagan, but is there a possibility I won't go?  Life is filled with uncertainty and the unknown.  These past nine months have been lonely, and angst filled while I question what the purpose of it all is. 

There's no time to do things that don't matter any more.  I've been thinking a lot about taking time for myself, practicing Il Doce Far Niente -- the Sweetness of Doing Nothing is heavy on my mind.  Leaving the familiar and walking into the unknown, but knowing I am truly the beneficiary of God's goodness to me.  And so I continue to do the hard things, to make Sam proud that I have managed well what we've built together, that I continue offering up grace, forgiveness and to never give up and to walk with confidence into the unknown.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.