Beginning Today....I Learn to Live Again
Yesterday was Sam's Celebration of Life service. It was a day of overwhelming feelings, great fear, physical and emotional waves of weakness and pain and yet, the day unfolded as it was meant to. Many wonderful friends and family came to honour the one man who turned my world upside down 31 years ago.
I've had to actually start thinking about the physical reality of him never coming back. My brain played a few cruel tricks this past weekend, trying to convince me he was maybe away at a Rotary meeting last Thursday or gone to a chiropractic conference on the weekend. There just couldn't be a possibility he might never come back to me. But facing the truth is necessary. Thanks to my boss and dear friend, over the past months of Sam's illness, I've had work flexibility and I wanted to get back to work tomorrow in fine form but....I know I'm not ready. I ask myself when will I be ready to start life again. That question and many more questions are waiting patiently for me to find answers. And there is time...so many people have told me not to make any quick decisions...to wait and give myself time. I smile and listen half heartedly ... if they only knew how paralyzed I feel, physically unable to make decisions of any consequence, even if I wanted to. There is NO chance I will do something impulsive ... no chance.
My immediate goal is to get through today. Besides missing my one true soulmate and best friend, I relied on Sam for an enormous part of life...he was the major breadwinner, he managed the physical work around the house, he took care of the cars and over the last few years I've had more pain trying to manage my lupus symptoms and he picked up lots of extra tasks to help me. He understood me, my crazy American sense of humour and accepted me because we had this rich history dating back 35 years. We shared our "Chicago experience" what I call dating during his chiropractic school years and talking about the absurd idea of could we get married and make this work, who would move and how could a marriage of an Illinois girl successfully mesh with a West Coast Canadian. Somehow, it worked!
Even with all the pain I feel, I am choosing the feelings I will allow inside myself. I refuse to ask why us, why Sam. I am trying not to be angry at this disease but anger is a normal step in grief and it's ok to admit to feeling it and YES I do feel angry at cancer who stole so much from me. What I want to do is to allow myself permission to feel grief and loss at the pace I choose. I want to find purpose and goodness even in the pain.
I am not the result of what happens to me. I know God has His hand on our family and that All Things Will Work Together for Good if we are faithful. I wish my mom were here...her strong, no-nonsense approach to trouble still inspires me: Cry for a while, she would say, but eventually stand up with strength and march on. I miss her.
I know my entire family all join me in thanking our community for showing up yesterday. You all showed up in every way for Sam and for our family! I don't take that lightly. We are truly grateful.
I will march on. ❤️
I've had to actually start thinking about the physical reality of him never coming back. My brain played a few cruel tricks this past weekend, trying to convince me he was maybe away at a Rotary meeting last Thursday or gone to a chiropractic conference on the weekend. There just couldn't be a possibility he might never come back to me. But facing the truth is necessary. Thanks to my boss and dear friend, over the past months of Sam's illness, I've had work flexibility and I wanted to get back to work tomorrow in fine form but....I know I'm not ready. I ask myself when will I be ready to start life again. That question and many more questions are waiting patiently for me to find answers. And there is time...so many people have told me not to make any quick decisions...to wait and give myself time. I smile and listen half heartedly ... if they only knew how paralyzed I feel, physically unable to make decisions of any consequence, even if I wanted to. There is NO chance I will do something impulsive ... no chance.
My immediate goal is to get through today. Besides missing my one true soulmate and best friend, I relied on Sam for an enormous part of life...he was the major breadwinner, he managed the physical work around the house, he took care of the cars and over the last few years I've had more pain trying to manage my lupus symptoms and he picked up lots of extra tasks to help me. He understood me, my crazy American sense of humour and accepted me because we had this rich history dating back 35 years. We shared our "Chicago experience" what I call dating during his chiropractic school years and talking about the absurd idea of could we get married and make this work, who would move and how could a marriage of an Illinois girl successfully mesh with a West Coast Canadian. Somehow, it worked!
Even with all the pain I feel, I am choosing the feelings I will allow inside myself. I refuse to ask why us, why Sam. I am trying not to be angry at this disease but anger is a normal step in grief and it's ok to admit to feeling it and YES I do feel angry at cancer who stole so much from me. What I want to do is to allow myself permission to feel grief and loss at the pace I choose. I want to find purpose and goodness even in the pain.
I am not the result of what happens to me. I know God has His hand on our family and that All Things Will Work Together for Good if we are faithful. I wish my mom were here...her strong, no-nonsense approach to trouble still inspires me: Cry for a while, she would say, but eventually stand up with strength and march on. I miss her.
I know my entire family all join me in thanking our community for showing up yesterday. You all showed up in every way for Sam and for our family! I don't take that lightly. We are truly grateful.
I will march on. ❤️
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