And On the Seventh Day...Rest...

It's been 7 days since Sam left me. My beautiful cousin wrote me this week and reminded me that God created the heavens and the earth in six days...and on the seventh He rested.  Maybe I should do the same.

The past week is a blur.  Food, flower deliveries, friends stopping by with love and messages of sympathy.  I have been the recipient of more love and care than I feel I deserve.  The past year has been my "six days."  I've  been creating our treatment plan with the doctors, figuring out what to do with our businesses, keeping our vehicles running and the house bills paid and most importantly, caring for Sams physical health.  The fact that he chose not to talk much during his illness leaves me in a confusing spot.  I feel stuck moving forward even an inch.  Would he want me to move forward into life...should I give his truck to our son....should I sell the house?  Everyone says not to make any sudden decisions, and I agree, but even breathing feels like a decision I'm not ready to make.  Maybe this is my seventh day,  Maybe for now God calls me to just rest.

Today I picked up the urn from the funeral home. I wasn't ptepared for the feelings it brought out.  Blake and I talked at length about the regrets I have and how it is important to know he and I did our best and to not ruminate on past decisions. Each of us is responsible for managing our own grief our way. I respect that and I am grateful for the space I've been given to cry alone and to soak in this new life thrust upon me without judgment.  I know I've made mistakes along this journey and if I've hurt anyone, I'm sorry. My entire goal was to love my husband and to protect him.  I wish he had been healed. I wish we were together. I wish this story didn't take this turn...

The beautiful part of this story is that it isn't finished. God is still with me, providing and walking beside me.  I trust Him with my whole heart to guide me in this unknown future.  Sam is resting in heaven.  Today, on the seventh day....I, too, am resting.



And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
I will bring praise

I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice

I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

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