Grief is Weighty

This has been a rough week.  No sugar coating, no pretending.   This cancer journey is an overwhelming experience. As the months have gone by, dealing with the increasing physical needs of our life is challenging. Home and garden maintenance has been managed by our son who takes on so much to help but it's time I learn what needs to be done and to make a plan to take over. Our master bath has been gutted and remodelled this week and as with any reno, it causes angst and upset. Lots of dust, extra people in your bedroom, crap everywhere and the crap you actually need is under other crap and inaccessible. Power tools are going strong and every noise seems magnified. I've been taught well by my boss at work to have a spreadsheet for each task in life and being organized helps me manage what needs to be done.  Now if I could muster up the energy to create a spreadsheet. 😉  I know as the home repair and garden maintenance needs arise, I'll meet them and do my best.

The emotional toll cancer takes on a family is beyond words.  Our former life is gone, never, ever to return. People tell me to not worry about it, to move forward. I try.  Having lost so much already, moving on doesn't happen overnight. Sam is dealing with the terminal aspect of this disease while I'm rushing around caring for him and our family, working to keep bills paid and internalizing my feelings so as to not upset anyone. The grief I feel probably weighs a million pounds--if it were able to be weighed.  It feels bottled inside, unable to escape and has nowhere to go.  Pushing it aside is all I can do at this point. I want healing, I want our life to be normal. I am scared as the disease progresses and yet I am scared at the grief I feel if it doesn't progress.  My feelings make no sense.

So all of these emotions came together today.  It was ironic that some rain came today after so many days of sunshine. My sadness poured out as the raindrops came down.  The important thing about grief is it must be managed. It isn't practical to wallow every day in the enormity of the situation.  It's perfectly fine to acknowledge sadness and weakness and grief but not to let it rule over you. There is no logical reason for this kind of illness. Spending hours trying to think about it and analyze every corner of it is detrimental.  I don't understand it and that's that. The way our life together is ending is in stark contrast to the way I pictured it, but I accept this illness and I honour our marriage by doing all I can to sustain our family, no excuses.  Courage and strength are what is needed.

This week an extraordinary group of friends began bringing meals to our home each night. Food is love....friends are love and from them I find my strength to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I know God is with me on the journey. He is the author and finisher of my faith.

 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go....Joshua 1:9