Fighting the Battle Set Before Us...
I love using Instagram and reading about the "glamorous" homes and lives that almost all of the women I follow seem to have. I'm wise enough to know I see only what they post and want me to see. The outside is lovely, but that might not be the whole picture. Today as I was washing our car and truck, I was happy with the shine and then I opened the door of my car and realized all the crap I take with us to chemo each week occupied a lot of space and was a bit of a mess. Kind of like me right now. My outside is polished but inside I am a bit of a mess. I'm not one to sugarcoat my life, however. Perhaps I should, to help me cope with life, but this blog is my way of remembering where I came from, so to sugarcoat myself would be dishonest.
Exactly 7 months, 7 days and 5 hours ago we heard the pancreatic cancer, stage 4 diagnosis. Since then I've taken it in, let it percolate in my brain, accepted the reality of it, helped Sam begin a treatment plan, sold one business, closed another, helped my son move back in to be with us, sold real estate we owned, liquidated accounts to have cash to live, drove into Vancouver 1-2 times a week for treatments and worked my own job as full time as I could manage. So many people have told me: wow, you look good. It puzzles me because I don't know how a cancer partner should look. I've lost 10 pounds so maybe I looked fat before. 😉 Seriously, though, I know the responsibility is on me to reassure everyone that life will be ok, that bills will be paid, sheets will be changed for guests to come, food will be prepared, cars will be maintained to make treatment appointments, payrolls will be done, and I will still take time to shower and be presentable. I guess that amazes people but even though I clean up the outside, the inside suffers. Today my inside was grief stricken and a feeling of being overwhelmed crept in and tears could not be contained. Grief is wave-like. Each day is not like the last...you can't depend on having an easy day today because yesterday was a good day. Each day is unique and sometimes requires new coping strategies. What worked yesterday doesn't work today.
Today our son spoke in church about David and Goliath. He reminded me that a man of small stature, of which David was, would be used by God to win a battle. Each of us is fighting our own battle. Some may seem bigger than others, but each of us struggles in our own way. The Goliath in our family's life is cancer: Every experience up to now in our lives is being used to help us fight this giant. Although King Saul helped David put on armour and gird up for battle, David knew his real strength was in giving the battle over to God. Goliath's size (9 feet tall) was no match for a small man like David, but David was fighting for the army of the Living God and trusted Him to prepare the way for victory. In fact, just before he ventures out to fight Goliath, he said: "and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hand." - 1 Samuel 17:47
I am humbled by everyone who helps us and I remember we do not fight alone. We are reminded to suit up for battle each day, for our lives and our battle are the Lord's. He sustains our family.
Please pray for our family this week: we have treatments at the cancer centre on Wednesday and Sam has a small surgery on Friday at VGH. My outside is afraid and frail, but my inside shall trust God to fight this battle and go before us to prepare the way.
Exactly 7 months, 7 days and 5 hours ago we heard the pancreatic cancer, stage 4 diagnosis. Since then I've taken it in, let it percolate in my brain, accepted the reality of it, helped Sam begin a treatment plan, sold one business, closed another, helped my son move back in to be with us, sold real estate we owned, liquidated accounts to have cash to live, drove into Vancouver 1-2 times a week for treatments and worked my own job as full time as I could manage. So many people have told me: wow, you look good. It puzzles me because I don't know how a cancer partner should look. I've lost 10 pounds so maybe I looked fat before. 😉 Seriously, though, I know the responsibility is on me to reassure everyone that life will be ok, that bills will be paid, sheets will be changed for guests to come, food will be prepared, cars will be maintained to make treatment appointments, payrolls will be done, and I will still take time to shower and be presentable. I guess that amazes people but even though I clean up the outside, the inside suffers. Today my inside was grief stricken and a feeling of being overwhelmed crept in and tears could not be contained. Grief is wave-like. Each day is not like the last...you can't depend on having an easy day today because yesterday was a good day. Each day is unique and sometimes requires new coping strategies. What worked yesterday doesn't work today.
Today our son spoke in church about David and Goliath. He reminded me that a man of small stature, of which David was, would be used by God to win a battle. Each of us is fighting our own battle. Some may seem bigger than others, but each of us struggles in our own way. The Goliath in our family's life is cancer: Every experience up to now in our lives is being used to help us fight this giant. Although King Saul helped David put on armour and gird up for battle, David knew his real strength was in giving the battle over to God. Goliath's size (9 feet tall) was no match for a small man like David, but David was fighting for the army of the Living God and trusted Him to prepare the way for victory. In fact, just before he ventures out to fight Goliath, he said: "and that all this assembly may know that the LORD saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hand." - 1 Samuel 17:47
I am humbled by everyone who helps us and I remember we do not fight alone. We are reminded to suit up for battle each day, for our lives and our battle are the Lord's. He sustains our family.
Please pray for our family this week: we have treatments at the cancer centre on Wednesday and Sam has a small surgery on Friday at VGH. My outside is afraid and frail, but my inside shall trust God to fight this battle and go before us to prepare the way.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
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