Desperately Seeking....
With a title "Desperately Seeking," the word that instantly comes to mind to complete the title is...Healing. But no, I am desperately seeking A Return to Normal...whatever that looks like. I am on a quest to find a "normal" to once again grab onto and to wrap my arms around and to feel safe again.
Several years ago our kids moved out to live their lives and we effortlessly settled into our routine of daily life together. We had meaningful work lives, friends, a church we loved, Sam was entrenched in the local Rotary, we began to travel, and had new grandbabes. The marriage we had nurtured these past 31 years became more solid and rich with a history we had created together. I truly felt we were in the sweet spot of life. What could possibly happen?! And then the cancer crash came.
This independent, pushy, sassy, opinionated American girl that challenged Sam around every corner became jello. These days I walk on eggshells 24/7 so as not to offend when people come to visit. It feels stilted and abnormal to treat Sam as a sick person. I hate it but I don't know how to change the expectations people place on me as the caregiver. The expectation is I should never disagree with him, to manage our household and to be agreeable constantly because he is fragile. It's difficult to see the dynamics in our house change so radically because of cancer. I have to fight for our relationship to stay grounded with me as his wife, lover, friend and partner, not just a caregiver.
Good communication is key and maybe earplugs when others give opinions on how I'm doing. 😊 Grief weighs so heavily. It isn't that I can't ask for help, but while you are struggling to digest this diagnosis, you have irrational thoughts and can't process what is happening. Seeing someone else cooking at your stove brings on immeasurable feelings of grief and angst. Grief comes in waves and surfaces at the most inconvenient times and is usually misunderstood by those around you.
While I struggle to find "normal," I doubt if it exists. I cried tears of loss today as I packed up Sams office. Who knew looking at a desk calendar could evoke such grief. How can two thriving businesses we've loved and nurtured for over 30 years end this way??! It makes no sense. What new normal lies ahead for us? We pray for healing; but even more we are trusting God to use us for His glory, that He controls it all. By His grace we are here another day searching for our new normal.
I am grateful for God's provision for our family these past months. His faithfulness to us in every way is above and beyond what I could have imagined.
Tonight I pray for doors to open to help our family find our new normal that we so desperately seek. Focus our eyes on what is truly important and remove the unnecessary fears and worries that tie us down. May God give us days filled with holy joy.
"Never give up. Never surrender.”
Several years ago our kids moved out to live their lives and we effortlessly settled into our routine of daily life together. We had meaningful work lives, friends, a church we loved, Sam was entrenched in the local Rotary, we began to travel, and had new grandbabes. The marriage we had nurtured these past 31 years became more solid and rich with a history we had created together. I truly felt we were in the sweet spot of life. What could possibly happen?! And then the cancer crash came.
This independent, pushy, sassy, opinionated American girl that challenged Sam around every corner became jello. These days I walk on eggshells 24/7 so as not to offend when people come to visit. It feels stilted and abnormal to treat Sam as a sick person. I hate it but I don't know how to change the expectations people place on me as the caregiver. The expectation is I should never disagree with him, to manage our household and to be agreeable constantly because he is fragile. It's difficult to see the dynamics in our house change so radically because of cancer. I have to fight for our relationship to stay grounded with me as his wife, lover, friend and partner, not just a caregiver.
Good communication is key and maybe earplugs when others give opinions on how I'm doing. 😊 Grief weighs so heavily. It isn't that I can't ask for help, but while you are struggling to digest this diagnosis, you have irrational thoughts and can't process what is happening. Seeing someone else cooking at your stove brings on immeasurable feelings of grief and angst. Grief comes in waves and surfaces at the most inconvenient times and is usually misunderstood by those around you.
While I struggle to find "normal," I doubt if it exists. I cried tears of loss today as I packed up Sams office. Who knew looking at a desk calendar could evoke such grief. How can two thriving businesses we've loved and nurtured for over 30 years end this way??! It makes no sense. What new normal lies ahead for us? We pray for healing; but even more we are trusting God to use us for His glory, that He controls it all. By His grace we are here another day searching for our new normal.
I am grateful for God's provision for our family these past months. His faithfulness to us in every way is above and beyond what I could have imagined.
Tonight I pray for doors to open to help our family find our new normal that we so desperately seek. Focus our eyes on what is truly important and remove the unnecessary fears and worries that tie us down. May God give us days filled with holy joy.
"Never give up. Never surrender.”
Love this... thank you for sharing.......
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