Living Life By The Ocean

In life, even the best-laid plans collapse. Tomorrow isn't a certainty that we will wake up and live another day. Some say it is luck or destiny when our lives take crazy turns, but I prefer to believe God is seeing a picture much larger than we are capable of and He is protecting us from what may lie ahead that could harm us. I call a Cancer diagnosis a Battle of the Heart. It affects the body, yes, but it deeply touches the heart and forces you to face shortcomings in your own personality that you wouldn't have faced without the Cancer crisis.  Our strengths are also our weaknesses. Sam's usual quiet stoic personality was one of the traits that attracted me to him.  I talked and he listened.  😉 That worked well for 30 years until he got sick and I NEEDED him to talk and he wouldn't. He copes by internalizing and that once loved trait now frustrates me. I love order and routine. This Cancer destroyed that and I have been left to cope with pulling together details ...

Today we headed into Vancouver General Hospital for a minor surgical procedure (is any surgery minor??) but it happened and so far, so good. We are now the proud parents of a new port.  No more IV sticks and bruised arms. Veins will get a well deserved rest.  Any surgery is taxing and Sam is tired and needs rest.  I am so incredibly proud of his determination and strength and very thankful to our son who took off work to help me today by driving and managing the traffic and parking. The nurses were brilliant!  Every detail fell into place!  We actually made the ferry before the cutoff by 3 minutes....Very thankful. This is our final weekend before our clinic transitions to new owners.  I've spent a lot of time reflecting back over the past 30 years and all the patients we have come to know.  It's not our choice to come to an end right now, but our new doctors coming in just feel right. I believe they were divinely sent to us and I believe they will h...

Have you ever had a day where it felt as if you were standing on the edge of a cliff. And the question is, is it easier to fall forward or to pull yourself together, stand tall and turn around and retreat from the edge. Definitely it takes more courage to walk away from the edge, although what you may be walking toward could be more difficult than falling off that cliff. Falling off the cliff is just a metaphor for drawing a line in the sand and saying the phrase I have come to say quite frequently:   I'm done.   But, I'm not really done....I just feel the edge of the cliff tempting me closer and I remind myself to stand up tall and turn around. Life's problems are much easier if you face them head on. This week has been challenging. I had no idea shutting a legal business could bring such turmoil. When an "instant illness" hits, it is one difficult task to figure out how to wind down the affairs of life and that business. Add two businesses to the roster and ju...

I love using Instagram and reading about the "glamorous" homes and lives that  almost all of the women I follow seem to have. I'm wise enough to know I see only what they post and want me to see. The outside is lovely, but that might not be the whole picture. Today as I was washing our car and truck, I was happy with the shine and then I opened the door of my car and realized all the crap I take with us to chemo each week occupied a lot of space and was a bit of a mess.  Kind of like me right now. My outside is polished but inside I am a bit of a mess. I'm not one to sugarcoat my life, however.  Perhaps I should, to help me cope with life, but this blog is my way of remembering where I came from, so to sugarcoat myself would be dishonest. Exactly 7 months, 7 days and 5 hours ago we heard the pancreatic cancer, stage 4 diagnosis. Since then I've taken it in, let it percolate in my brain, accepted the reality of it, helped Sam begin  a treatment plan, sold one bus...

Not a single person I know is desperate for radical change to be heaped upon them. Sometimes change is like a warm sunny day with a twist of a gentle breeze....like when you hold your new baby for the first time...your life is radically changed but in such a wonderful way. When a cancer diagnosis hits, you gasp for breath, your legs go limp and literally the future flashes across your eyes with warp speed. The changes to come are beyond what you can even grasp and you feel as if you have been taken to sea, thrown from the boat and told to sink or swim. Everything you once knew is now changed. How to survive a change of devastating proportion...here are my thoughts in 5 easy steps: 1.  Don't overthink what just happened.  What you heard is too heavy to digest. Take a tiny bite of what you heard and breathe. 2.  If you feel the need to talk, call a trusted friend.  Spilling the details too soon to close family causes a huge emotional wound you will need to bind u...

I love hearing about and reading the life stories of people. Each one of us has a unique life story of our experiences growing up and why we became who we are today. Recently I read a bit about the actor, Steve McQueen. I'm sure my kids would say Steve WHO? But he was someone who was a real movie star to my generation and a true Hollywood icon. Steve McQueen  was, in every way, an ordinary man.  He did not grow up with a stable family, wealth or education. His mom struggled with alcohol, he had various stepfathers in and out of his life, he was sent away to  a boys school and eventually he was arrested.   McQueen found fame, fortune, drugs and women, but grew tired of it all.   A turning point for McQueen was the day he was supposed to have gone with his hairstylist Jay Sebring to a party at actress Sharon Tate’s home. For some reason McQueen missed that party. It was the day when Tate, eight months pregnant at the time, was murdered by followers of Charles Ma...

It was wonderful listening to our son preach/teach on Sunday morning at church. How can a 26-year old have anything meaningful to say to an old lady such as myself but when your heart is open to receive, even at the most unexpected times, you are supernaturally blessed. I don't listen to a sermon/teaching session and expect my life to be changed radically and my heart to be redirected to a new life path. I listen with the expectation to bring one meaningful concept into my week and to find ways to implement it fully. Sunday, my son talked about his "temple" which is actually our body, our shell that houses our true being, our spirit, the essence of what makes us unique.  Although taking care of our temple is extremely important, nurturing and feeding the spirit is what drives us to grow in grace, to encourage others, to practice self control, to learn service, love for one another,  humility and obedience and to grow into all that we are created to become. Feeding our s...

 One of my favourite quotes is:  Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. A few years ago a very wise friend gave me some sound advice:  Always have a Plan B.  This advice came just as we bought our Notary business and the economic crash came.  It was a shock to buy a thriving business that relied on real estate sales when the bottom suddenly drops out of the real estate market. Sam did all of the front end and client work at the businesses and I managed most of the financial aspects. All of a sudden, I was worried.  I spent time seeking advice from trusted people I knew who would point me in the right direction.  Plan A was to buy the business and coast into the future, but when the economic crash came, I immediately knew I needed to formulate and implement a Plan B:  get a firm hand on what was happening and stop the bleeding...control the cash flow, and once Plan B fell into place, we were able to survive and even...

Two years ago today our daughter began chemotherapy for Stage 3b Hodgkins Lymphoma.  I can still remember the day she called me at work.  Her voice was shaking, I instantly knew I was about to hear something life changing. A 10 cm mass was found in her chest....all from a tiny bump in her neck that was yet to be biopsied.  Before a biopsy is done, routine blood tests and a chest x ray were done. Hence, the mass was found.  At the time of the call, we didn't know what this mass was, how long it had been there and what it meant. Further testing brought the lymphoma diagnosis and chemo began. For six months she went to chemo and her strength and bravery shone brightly.  Her amazing husband and three little girls coped beautifully and were cheering her on at each treatment. It's a privilege for a mother to look up to a daughter and admire her strength of character and her courage as she faces difficult cancer treatments. This week she and her three daughters came fo...

With a title "Desperately Seeking," the word that instantly comes to mind to complete the title is...Healing. But no, I am desperately seeking A Return to Normal. ..whatever that looks like. I am on a quest to find a "normal" to once again grab onto and to wrap my arms around and to feel safe again. Several years ago our kids moved out to live their lives and we effortlessly settled into our routine of daily life together.  We had meaningful work lives, friends, a church we loved, Sam was entrenched in the local Rotary, we began to travel, and had new grandbabes.  The marriage we had nurtured these past 31 years became more solid and rich with a history we had created together. I truly felt we were in the sweet spot of life. What could possibly happen?!  And then the cancer crash came. This independent, pushy, sassy, opinionated American girl that challenged Sam around every corner became jello.  These days  I walk on eggshells 24/7 so as not to offend when ...

When circumstances toss you something you don't expect, you either sink or swim. Our diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer hit us out of left field on December 15, 2016. The "ocean" of a terminal illness can toss you and pull you under or you can fight to the surface and breathe. To some extent, and on some days it is a choice. Other days it is a fight -- the pain pulls you under, but your mind fights to keep normalcy in life. Complaining becomes boring and uncomfortable to those around you and often you feel no one understands. People feel awkward around you and you become hermit-like going from home to work. Even doing grocery shopping causes angst. The ocean calms eventually and the fog somewhat lifts but there is a always a sense of worry around you.   What does a serious illness teach a person? The list must be endless: patience, empathy, compassion...Those are just a few of how my rough edges are being softened and circumstances are challenging me to rise up ...